Khan!!!!!

A few years ago, when I was living in an apartment complex, I had a little problem with a cat. This cat belonged to one of Seth's friends in the complex. He was named for the character in Star Trek, Khan.

I like to read the paper, and each morning I would look forward to reading it with a hot cup o' joe. One morning I noticed that the paper was wet. Cat pee! Eeeew! I couldn't read my paper that day, and I was pissed, no pun intended. Next morning, wet. Aaaaagh! Come on! The next morning, I open the door and see Khan lazily laying nearby, looking at me. I could tell by the look on his smug cat face! He did it! He was trying to take ownership of me! What the hell can I do about this? Nothin! That's what! Unless. . .

I call up the Sacramento Bee's customer service department. Yeah, hi, uh, I love the Bee and everything you guys are doing is great, but I am having a little problem. The guy says, "What problem, m'am?" A cat has been peeing on my paper every morning, and I don't think he's gonna stop. "What's that, m'am? A cat is peeing on your paper after delivery?" That's right. I have no idea what I'm asking of you guys, here. Do you think you can do anything? The guy thinks a second and says, "We'll try rubber-banding it to your doorknob!" Good man! Yay! I said thank you about a million times.

The next week or so goes by, paper is dry. The rubber banding has been a God-send. But one morning the paper has fallen off the door! Oh my God, no! Maybe he hasn't been by yet, it's pretty early! I pick it up. . . "KHAN!!!!!!!"